This modest piece was written for an anthology comic magazine to be published by the Amazing Randy De Burke and will be illustrated by the Great Artiste Roda. I hope to post the drawings next to it at some point. It is presented here in its unedited rough and tough form.
Straight up, it's the worst fucking thing I ever did. Now, I've been involved in a lot of bad shit in my life but that's the past and I don't sweat it. This doesn't go away.
This I sweat.
I am going back about ten years when I used to sling rock in the Amsterdam Projects with my Partner Seko. We were making stupid money. This was when crack first hit and motherfuckers lost their mind over it. We had mad workers out there moving product for us, more than any other dealer around. New rides every other month (leased); lobster dinners; cash money; gold; we ran that project.
These were the good old days.
I am in my ride (Lincoln Town car), rolling up the Avenue right up to the corner where my workers and my partner Seko are. He's counting his knot--that's his thing, always counting his cash out on the street, snapping on niggaz, cracking jokes. Even though he liked to play Seko was the craziest motherfucker I ever knew. His father broke out when he was just a baby. His moms was a junkie and died when he was seven years old. He stayed with his cousins after that, but he really grew up on the street. He was in and out of jail at least five times before he was eighteen, and that made him wild.
Wild like you can't disagree with him or he hits you with a chair wild. Wild like you mess with him, he shoots you wild (because he doesn't give a fuck). One night, we were hanging on top the roof with the some of the 'fellas and Seko was ranking hard on some kid (Frank, I think). He was all over this kid's mother, his father, the clothes he wore-everything! After about an hour of that shit, the kid can't take anymore and came out hard.
"At least I never been fucked the ass. Yeah, bitch, my brother was in lock up with you way back, and told me how boys was tapping your booty tweeny-fo' seven...motherfucker had to use toilet paper as a butt tampon" he said
Everyone just broke out laughing. I mean, SCREAMING for about three minutes. When it died down, Seko smiled, pulled out his glock, and shot the kid in the head. The rest of them ran away, but me and him, we just stood there. He acted like that shit didn't phase him, but I know it did. What that kid said hurt him bad. He waited a minute and then he stood up on the ledge, and took a leak. That's was another thing he loved to do, pee off the top of buildings. I think it was his way of saying "fuck the world".
Still, he was never that way with me. We were friends since we were babies, and Seko (Albert was his real name, I was the only one he let call him that) would do anything for me. Even if he got a little ill'd out over something I said, he would keep his temper in check. When we started dealing, he treated me like I ran things even though he knew.
He knew that he was the only person I was ever afraid of.
I am out of my car, on the street, saying what's up to my peeps. Seko is on stage, motherfuckers look at him like he's a movie star and shit.
"Five-0 was searching my ass, talking about how I'm selling jumbo crack-I'm like, I'm selling that jumbo black dick, that's the only thing I got one me officer!" he said
They ate it up, they were all on his jock. He starts counting his money, jumping into another story, them hanging on every word. I'm just looking at him. He's sporting the same tired outfit; muscle T-shirt and gold for days. He has that fucked Jheri curl too. That kid! I cut him short, and pulled him to the side.
"I need you to come with me."
"Let's roll" he said
We're in the Lincoln. I told him I gave Eddie some product to move a few weeks back, and he hasn't come up with the money. He is giving me the typical rap, he needs more time, the shit wasn't good, blah-blah.
"I just want you there to scare him, that's it. Don't do jack, I may slap him a few times, but I don't want to beat him down Seko, okay? He'll give us the money he owes next week if we put fear in his ass."
"How you know that? What if he don't up the cash?" Seko said
"He's a punk. He ain't no dealer, he's gonna go back to working at Mickey Dees after this. He should have never tried to get into this business anyway-boy's got no heart. But serious, Albert, hang back."
In Eddie's crib. It's a small apartment in the Grant Houses-Harlem projects. Eddie is holding the front door open, feeding me bullshit about why he doesn't have my money. His wife is sitting at the table, watching us, looking very worried. Seko pushed his way right into the living room, he is standing there counting his money. By his feet, on the floor, is Eddie's daughter (I forgot her name)-she is playing with a little doll, stroking its hair. They told me she was five but she looks tiny-like she's three. I wanna pick her up. She's smiling at me. I think, she's the cutest kid I ever seen. How the fuck she come from Eddie?
That's the set-up, that's how it was.
Eddie is talking much shit.
"Kid, you know I wanted to run that back to you, but I had to take care of some things." he said
"You told me the same thing last week Ed. Fuck that, I need my cash now."
I thump his chest with my hand, to scare his ass.
Seko is making faces at the little girl. She is laughing-she don't know what the fuck is going on. Her moms is shitting bricks and I think that's a good thing. That means the next time I come my money is gonna be here. Ed is pussy whipped, and his lady ain't gonna let him deal with niggas like Seko and me no more.
Out the corner of my eye I see Seko pull out his gun and start to twirl it around.
"Seko, what the fuck you doing?" I'm thinking
"I'm a cowboy, Little girl...'yo daddy's an Indian!" he says
He's trying to scare Eddie, but that's not necessary at this point. I hear the girl laughing and laughing but I can't really see her over her father.
"Yo, Seko, chill!" I yell out
"See, I do tricks!" Seko says
He's twirling the gun around like hop-along whatever the fuck his name was. He catches my eye, and starts to put his piece back in his pants. I turn to speak to Eddie.
Seko's gun goes off. Dropped it, the dumb motherfucker dropped it. The room freezes up man. The girl is on the floor, shot in the head. She got hit in the head. The gun is next to her, smoke is floating out the nozzle and the side of her face.
She still got that smile on her face.
What happens next is a blur. There is blood everywhere, Ed and his wife are on the floor with the kid. Screaming, they're both screaming. She's dead. No fucking way she survived that. No way. Seko looking at me...he can't believe it.
Eddie picks up the phone to dial for help. Seko looks at me and says.
"Yo Kid, we gotta do this."
Fuck, motherfucker, BULLSHIT!
We shoot Eddie and his wife in the head. No other choice. We can't go to jail over this. We run the fuck out of there.
In the ride, on the way home, and we are hitting every bump on the street. I ain't saying anything. I am just driving, keeping my mouth shut. Seko starts in.
"That was an accident Kid. That shit could have happened to anybody, know what I'm saying?"
"I told you to be cool. What the fuck you pull out the gun for Seek?"
"I wanted to put some fear in Eddie's ass. How you gonna put this on me? You the one came and get me-I was backing you up, now you gonna go and blame me?"
I went quiet again.
We're on the roof, hanging. We sitting there drinking a forty, smoking a joint. It's cold up there, but fuck it. Right at that moment, I hated him. Hated the way he counted his money, his hair, the way he spoke, what he made us do. Everything about that mother fucker made me sick.
Seko starts in, trying to be funny, talking shit.
"Yo, imagine one night we up here..."
I am just waiting.
"...and some spaceship come down, some shit like that, right here on the roof."
Just do it Seko.
"Then some E.T. mothefuckers come out. They take us up-SPACE NEGROES!"
Shut up and do your thing Seko.
"I would go kid, I would break out from this place."
I want to hurry this up, so I speak to him.
"I would go too Albert." I said
He slaps my leg and smiles.
"I'm just buggin'...tonight was wild man."
Here we go.
He gets up, and jumps up on the ledge, whips out his dick and starts to pee. He is humming some bullshit song they play on Hot Ninety Seven all the time (I must have been the only young brother in the world that hated hip hop). I come up behind him. I put my hand right behind his back and I give him a push.
A little shove.
No more Seko.
He didn't even scream on the way down.
"...tonight was wild man"
You fucking right it was.
Here and now. I'm an old man (Thirty 'fo) and a lot has happened since then. I stopped dealing and ended up sucking on the glass dick myself. All the bad shit I saw crackheads go through, happened to me. I was years on the street. I don't even know why man. I had no excuses. Unlike Seko, I came from a good home, my family was all hard workers and college educated. It seems like I always seem to get caught up in shit for no reason.
"Yo Kid, we gotta do this!"
They never arrested anybody for the killing of Eddie and his family, or Seko. Who gives a fuck about some drug dealers and their families getting blown up?
I met a woman who helped me clean up and kick. She keeps me straight, and she doesn't take any shit. We got married about four years back. We have two kids (a boy and a girl), and a nice apartment. I got a good job working for the Fire Department. Things are good.
Most of the time.
At night, every now and then, I get this feeling in my chest, like I am gonna lose everything I have because of what we did to that little girl (what was her name?). I start thinking that God is gonna punish me, and take one of my kids away, or make my wife leave me 'cause she finds out what I did. I lay in my bed, and just wait something bad to happen.
It never does.
Then there is the dream.
Third week of every month, for years. Like a Swatch I can time that shit, she comes to me in my sleep, Eddie's daughter. I am in their living room, and she is standing there, holding her doll, smiling at me. Sometimes she has blood all over her and a bullet hole in her head, but most of the time she's normal (and she's got a big smile on her face).
One time, for six months straight, the doll she was holding was life size, and was holding the girl (as big as a toy and covered with blood).
Seko is always behind her, counting his knot.
When I have the dream, I want to talk to her, but I can't say anything. My mouth won't open.
That's probably a good thing.
I mean, what the fuck could I say?